So for an oral communication class we recently had to give a ceremonial speech. I had already written one on Ron Paul... about 2k words... but didn't feel like presenting it because I was already bored to tears by the utter lameness of endorsing a presidential candidate that already got jewed out of the election by the rest of those political creatures you people call candidates.
Whoa there cowboy! That's one nasty run on sentence...
But seriously... writing based on "values" is the hardest thing for me to conceptualize... its always kicked my ass. I don't know why really... maybe its because I don't have any values. Or maybe it's because "values" are just retarded excuses to generalize complex ideas:
Value holder: "You should write your grandmother more... because she loves you."
Me: "I've had more meaningful discussions with the toothless hobo on King street... I'd rather write to him."
Value Holder: "Your still playing that zombie shooter game (Yes i picked up the left 4 dead demo this weekend... and yes its fucking awesome.) and its a Friday night... your such a loser."
Me: "Are you kidding me? I lost all my teammates and took on like three waves of zombie attacks and a fucking tank by myself... I'm definitely not losing..."
Value Holder: "Stop calling my dog Rat Bastard your going to hurt it's feelings."
Me: "It's deaf dipshit."
So I have a real problem with writing about values and not sounding like either a 3rd grader or a jerk off.
In the wake of my frustration after writing the Ron Paul speech, I decided to just make shit up. Even though the first line of the curriculum says "DO NOT SPEAK ON FICTITIOUS MATERIAL." I thought that since I did see a squirrel get hit by a golf cart the other day... it could justify me giving a eulogy for him.
This is just a rough outline for the speech.
Thesis: Smunkenpickles the squirrel was a role model of compassion and bravery for everyone who knew him.
Smunkenpickles
Introduction
I. As human beings, being loved is not an option.
A. It is arguably a necessity, a constant pursuit.
B. We all know that in times of need, are most valuable resource is our loved ones. The people who stand up for you no matter what the case, who see you for who you really are.
II. You are gathered here this evening in mourning of a lost love one, a friend that will be dearly missed.
A. A friend of passion, acceptance, and love.
B. Our dearest friend, Smunkenpickles the squirrel.
III. When I first met this amazing creature, I immediately realized his passion for life. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was walking across the colorful fall seasoned Highville University campus. The air was cool, the sun was bright, and the day had just begun. As I was walking down a path, a recognizable creature hopped out of the trash can. He was small furry… and lonely. I admit being cautious at first, as such animals are usually dirty and sometimes carry diseases. And after all, he was just in a trash can. But as I looked into the creature’s eyes, I saw not a desperate animal looking for something to eat, but a character of deep passion and integrity. I bent over and took out a small bag of skittles. I poured a couple into my hand and slowly reached out to the creature. The squirrel carefully came forward, picked up the shiny green candy, and started to nibble it between his gentle paws. “Interesting” a fellow student said as he came up behind me “He likes skittles”. “…Yeah” I said in bewilderment. “Let’s call him Smunkenpickles.”
IV. [Preview of Main Points] Since then we have all come to know Smunkenpickles as a fine example of an amazing creature, and he will be deeply missed.
A. Smunkenpickles was a creature of deep passion.
B. In the face of danger, Smunkenpickles showed us all what bravery really means.
Transition: Lets first start out with Smunkenpickles most important trait, his compassion for life.
I. Smunkenpickles was a creature of deep passion.
A. Smunkenpickles was first and foremost a ladies squirrel.
1. “When breeding season comes the male squirrel attracts females by banging on the bark and chattering loudly.” (wonderclub.com)
a. The echoes of Smunkenpickles chatters during breeding system could be heard throughout the dorms, reminding us of the dedication that true love really takes.
b. His clasps shook are souls, creating an atmosphere of passion and love every morning.
2. Smunkenpickles showed us that love wasn’t just about breeding; it’s about personal fulfillment and unwavering dedication.
B. Smunkenpickles cared for everybody no matter who they were.
1. Many of us can recall a time when we were feeling down or depressed and Smunkenpickles could cure a bad day.
a. Smunkenpickles was always there, greeting passersby’s with a friendly chirp.
b. We can all remember a time where Smunkenpickles made that small difference in our day, making life a bit easier.
C. Smunkenpickles was the friendliest of his kind.
1. We all have heard cases of the aggressive squirrel, the one that hops out at you on your way to class, Smunkenpickles was always courteous.
2. He demonstrated unique discipline when eating, he would never attempt to approach passerbies and take their food; he dined diligently out of the trash can.
Transition: As human beings, great compassion requires great sacrifice. Smunkenpickles demonstrated this through his unwavering courage.
II. In the face of danger, Smunkenpickles showed us all what bravery really means.
A. Despite the harshness of Mother Nature and the brutality of the HU Janitors, Smunkenpickles showed his will to survive.
1. Even under the threat of a million stray cats, a sky full of preying hawks, Smunkenpickles showed incredible bravery.
a. Even while the notorious hawks circled over head, Smunkenpickles showed that he was willing and able to hunt, eat, and mate.
b. Nothing scares a squirrel more than hundreds of fierce stray campus cats. Smunkenpickles still went to the trash can closest to these beasts, without hesitation.
2. Even the persistent Janitors could never intimidate Smunkenpickles.
a. While taking out the trash Smuckenpickles still managed to take what he needed to survive.
b. Even after the constant threats, the hurtful shouts, and the throwing of random objects from the gardeners and janitors, Smunkenpickles held steady through the tyranny to eat and mate.
3. Not even the drunken Frat boys could intimidate Smunkenpickles.
a. If there was a single group of people Smunkpickles did not trust, it was the Fraternities.
b. Many can remember the violent screams and the frenzy of footsteps through the woods of the bored fratguys in the afternoon.
c. Smunkenpickles fled, but always bravely came back, still treating everyone else with upmost respect.
Transition: Now that we are reminded of Smunkenpickles amazing courage, we see how he created a presence to the final days of his death.
Conclusion
I. We will all remember Smunkenpickles not as an animal, but as a good friend, and a role model for courage.
A. Smunkenpickles was a creature of deep passion.
B. In the face of danger, Smunkenpickles showed us what bravery really means
II. Now we mourn the fateful day where the reckless golf cart driver delivered the final blow to Smunckenpickles genuine life. We will never forget this fine creature, and dearest companion for the rest of this semester.
III. So now as we celebrate his existence for the last time, I ask you all to look deep inside your soul and find the Smunkenpickles in you. Was it his compassion as you walked by on campus? Or was it his bravery, as he dodged glass bottles and golf carts.
IV. Whatever it is, we are all reminded that Smunkenpickles is in a better place now, and has showed us a fine example of what compassion and bravery really means.
-1nc
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