Alright I don't know what I'm doing... so I'm just going to be as blatantly honest as possible (a habit). So while some of the stuff I write on here may be logical a whole host of it will probably just be gibberish.
Anyway… the point of this is just to be an output of crazy shit/ ideas that come into my head on a daily basis. I'm going to remain anonymous so I can be blunt. So nothing special, just a published diary I guess, I'm not going to follow any sort of structure; this is simply an output.
I really don't know why I didn't start doing this earlier, it seems like a good way to streamline some thoughts I've been having lately, especially when I create too much free time for myself... I guess I’ll give some basic background info.
I change my mind... I’ll leave the background info to when I get better at this.
So let’s just pick up from errr... the last few weeks.
I’m a sophomore at a small college in a small town. Let’s call the college "university" and the town "Highville". Im residing in an apartment complex about 15 minutes from campus. Now the university is not a top notch college. People usually attend mainly because either
A. they live near it or
B. its cheap (and provides a decent service for the price)
So here at the university of highville, people are usually the same demographic.
Fuck.... I’m really tired... anyway....
I’m attending because my grades where shit in high school, ill save the reasons for later.
This is the first year I'm not staying on campus, mainly because I wanted to get away from some distractions and I really don't care for any of the people here.
Alright that’s enough background info for now
When I first moved into my apartment I met my neighbor jack. At first talk Jack seems like a pretty outgoing guy... I guess that's appropriate. He acts pretty much like an average frat guy.
To the point... I found after a few days of Jack coming over to "hang out" that Jack was a sociopath; for lack of a better term, people who use an altered personality to hide something. Anyway, like a lot of sociopath's, Jacks focus is other people. That's all he talks and cares about. It came to a point where Jack would literally come over... talk for 30 minutes strait about himself and his friends I knew nothing about, and then leave. This wasn't every day, just whenever he felt like it, maybe twice a week. Even though it feels annoying, I point out that I find people like this actually interesting, so I never really tried to avoid it. Despite this, I hated this guy. Really, if there is anything that ticks me off, it’s a fake person. It almost feels as if everything he says comes out of a blender. Eh... I guess the blender metaphor would more suit this blog haha... um... it’s like everything he says comes in a good looking pie... fuck.
I’m sticking with the pie... because the mechanics and ingredients of what he says is actually kind of disgusting, like peas in a pot pie. Nope... that’s not going to work.
I kind of like peas anyway. The uncooked kind... in the pods.
Its just... Fucking gossip. There you go.
Like seriously I'm not entertained by anyone when they talk about their superficial friends. And drinking. "Oh, my friend tom bitched at Jill, it was really funny, I laughed so hard."... What do you do when people say shit like this to you? Hit them? I almost want to be like:
"That’s great Jack... if I knew Tom or Jill, I would be laughing my ass off right now... that's awesome man."
But it's also as if everything he says has an ulterior motive... to prove something. I mean I used to know a living breathing diagnosed narcissist (Google it), so applying that label to Jack didn't really seem so far-fetched.
So one night, Jack was hungry and asked if I wanted to go get some food with his old roommate and his girlfriend(for the time being), another close friend of jack. I agreed, because I was hungry, and apparently the chick was cute.
When we got there we introduced ourselves and me and the chick instantly recognized ourselves from a class we had together. She was really pretty, and on top of that, had a great well rounded personality. She was sharp and very charming.
This is a big deal... because people like this aren't part of the highville demographic. Which also means they are here for a much more complex reason.
Oh thank Christ this thing has spell check haha... I clicked the abc thing and all of the above turned piss yellow. I blame my shitty opinionated high school English teachers. Everyone has had a few... the ones that feel the need to teach there amazing advice for life instead of telling you what the fuck onomonopedia is.
Alright I’m going to name my next location that.... onomonopedia.
But yeah, English Teachers are the craziest motherfucking bunch on the planet. Eventually they read so many books, and so much prestigious literature that they forget what logic is and replace it with cliché quotes and generalizations.
Well that doesn't make much sense... they basically apply story structure to life. Black and White ideas, the assumption that everything has a high purpose, over simplification of everything in general. If you continue reading and I actually keep blogging you'll hear me rant about Black and White thinking a lot. It’s very prevalent here in highville... which is what I was originally fucking talking about....
OK... cute girl... jack... restaurant. So at this restaurant Jack did the usual social encounter=30 minute speech about jack. What fascinated me allot was um... let’s call her... Jane. I was fascinated that Jane showed a lot of mutual understanding for jack. Instead of running from the situation she simply "played along" with his personality. Obviously Jane had a lot of experience in dealing with Jack, which is a first because most of Jack's "Friends", including me, give him the awkward emotional crumble that he doesn't seem to pick up on.
Anyway so after this me and Jane started to talk in class, yadda yadda. What I didn't realize was that I was developing a massive crush for this girl, something I have not developed in a few years...
I'm so damn tired... luckily I can’t sleep again. Which means I'm going to have to stop writing soon to prevent this from becoming manic. For me, being tired is a lot like smoking a joint. I'm actually the most creative at that point, all of my thoughts become crisp and I become creative. However I simply stop making sense. If you've ever been high, you can relate to this. If you were watching television while stoned out of your mind, you may come to the epic conclusion that Homer Simpson is ironically the embodiment of the Southern Baptist Faith. When in reality, nobody fucking cares.
So Jane eventually gave me her number out of the blue and told me to call her to study before a test. To any sane person, this would be a really good thing to happen. For me on the other hand, this is the start of what usually ends up in a bloody train wreck. Basically, I’m not a ladies’ man... and to make it worse... I don't have a good excuse for not being one. I’m not ugly, I’m not fat, I’m straight, and I’m not even that shy, I’m just err well... hell if I know. So for me, instead this is just creates a prime opportunity for me to fuck up or miss out of a perfectly possible relationship. Definitely not optimistic thinking, something I generally lack, but considering how much I have come to like this girl and how rare types like her are around here it just seemed like a long way to fall. So I called, she came, we talked, we laughed and we didn’t really study, so it went alright.
But the next day jack came over and said that we were going to a club tonight, and told me to "come" no question. Jane was at his apartment and we had a few drinks, talked, and left.
And the shit hit the fan.
I hadn't had anything to eat that day, so the 3 beers and the 2 shots hit me like a curve ball to the head. I wasn't drunk, I just had no energy, and I couldn't think straight. The kind of tipsy where you really don't want to do anything but go home and pass out. Not the go out and dance kind. So when we got there I showed that i was incapable of having a good time. I became miserable, and the thought of going to jump around on the desolate dance floor while Jane and Jack fucking tangoed, like seriously qualified dancing, was out of the question. Obviously they had been doing this for a few years. As much as I’d like to blame the fact that the dj was playing shitty music, and there weren’t many people out there, I still showed that I lacked the confidence to do anything. I didn't have the ability to resort to more alcohol when the mini hangover and awkwardness started to kick in either because I was the only one in there that wasn't 21.
On the ride back to me and Jack's apartments Jack and Jane started to talk about girls and guys at the club. This is when I also realized how oblivious I was to the fact that Jack was probably... ok definitely bi-sexual. When I walked back up to my apartment Jack let that side go put his arm around me and tried to come into the apartment with me.
Now don't get me wrong I don't have a problem with anyone's sexual orientation. But at this point the sharp realization of what was happening combined with an incoming hangover made me simply sick. I wanted to leave. Die. It dawned on me that I had no future here in highville with no real motivation to get out.
I slipped through the door and shut it behind me... "later".
Damn the adderall is wearing off already.... and I have to endure another 4 hours of class and a useless 3 hour bio lab. What people don’t realize is that the crash of adderall is simply a coke crash spread out over a longer period of time. So while the drug may help you focus while it’s working, when it’s over you become incredibly unmotivated until the crash ends. From what I’ve read up on, correct me if I'm wrong, Since adderall is an amphetamine, it stimulates the brain causing it to produce the endorphins that usually lack in an ADD type person. This is interesting because ironically most people assume people with ADD to have "too much energy". When in reality, the symptoms of ADD result when the brain is chemically under stimulated, so they consciously make up for it by over stimulating themselves.
I hate adderall with a passion. I’ve just started to take it again to help me get through some redundant material. I can’t believe that people can actually notice me lose weight when I’m on it... eating is impossible. And when I do eat, it’s like my stomach refuses to digest it. It just grumbles and makes a shit ton of noise. It turns into a bitchy little kid that won’t eat his damn vegetables; he just wants more processed "fun" meals. And in my stomachs case, more stimulants.
I really need to wrap this blog up but I want to finish this event curve first and catch up to now and current events, so I can stop thinking about this past shit. If I continue blogging... the rest definitely won’t be this long, but I think it’s important to have a good understanding of the events that led me here.
So that weekend after the club fiasco was one of the worst in my life. I really don't know why. I think the club, my declining grades, my growing hate for highville, combined with my failure to connect with Jane just... took it out of me. This was really unnecessary because I honestly hadn’t gotten to know Jane or Jack that well. It’s like a car bomb exploded in front of my eyes that night and I was experiencing shell shock, not just a shitty night at the club.
The worst part of experiencing an overblown form of depression is the insomnia. Instead of being able to reason with myself that what happened that night was actually not that big of a deal, the situation spiraled out of control. When you go to sleep at 12 and wake up at 3 for 4 days straight you become another person. And eventually it went from experiencing shell shock to fear of insomnia.
Insomnia is scary shit because without sleep you are unable to cope with your own irrationalities because you cannot make rational progress in your thinking. And if you’re a student or have a stressful Job, you might as well have AIDS for the time being because the reprocutions are similar. Except random insomnia is not an excusable medical condition. So it’s worse.
Well at least you don’t die.
That wasn't funny...
So the next week in class I hinted to Jane my theory on Jack's Bi-ness and the evidence to support it. She was sitting in front of me, and at that moment she turned around and started to play with her pencil... she didn't say anything. Then she bust. "You’re not supposed to know this, but Jack just wants you to think he might be bi." I was silent... "He's actually Gay"
Now again... this shouldn’t be a big deal... but half of Jack's rants where about the millions of hot foreign chicks he constantly partied and hooked up with Not only that... I’ve seen him deliberately hit on girls in front of my eyes. And before we went to the club that one night, Jack refused to listen to a song in front of Jane and me because "it was gay".
"But he's" she didn’t let me finish. "He’s just that way when you or his friends back home are around, he’s had a crush on you because you look like his first boyfriend."
"...but he talks like a Frat Guy..." I blurted. She was red in the face at this point "He only talks that way when you’re around... it’s all an act."
I didn’t know what to think, feel or say. So I acted.
"That's so fucking weird." I blurted again
"What is." She insisted... this time with a straight face.
God damnit. It's amazing how I don't pick up on shit like this until I write it down a week later. Maybe you can see it... it’s pretty obvious even from the little information I’ve given, but the last two quotes give it away. Remember... people like Jane and Jack come to highville university for a much more complicated reason than the usual demographic.
Anyway after that I don't really remember what I said... it really doesn't matter. Fuck.
Christ this is turning into a novel. A really bad one with an unsatisfying ending. It's like reading "We can't find Clifford: The Big Red Dog" to your kid. You read the story, and you really don't care about what's happening until you get to the last page: "... and nobody could find Clifford: The Big Red Dog."… Which is when you storm out of the room... call scholastic... and tell those scumbags that it isn't that hard to spot a bright red dog the size of the fucking pentagon.
So Jack came over for another speech about himself… they aren’t even really conversations anymore. And now that I know all the details on him, I can safely say that 90 percent of what he says is almost complete bullshit. I’m not an ass, so I sat and listened as I normally did, popping in a few comments when I could, and tried to fit in some discussion but everything I said was plowed over as usual. Then he randomly started to talk about some random bi-sexual people that where going to be at a party down in Onomonopedia this weekend. “Yeah there is another crazy ass BI-SEXUAL (he actually annunciated it) girl there, so I guess it is a good thing Jane isn’t coming.”
Let’s remember an observation I made earlier that almost everything Jack says has an ulterior motive. So what does this mean? Well first of all, if you haven’t figured it out already, Jane is Bi-Sexual. Second of all… he continued as if I was clueless before I responded (which I pretty much was) on this. “Wow man WOW… how did you not know that. You are so out of it… wow man.”
Which could mean the following:
A. Jane got upset about my reaction to Jack’s closet sexuality, and asked Jack about my knowledge of her being bi thinking that I’m a massive queerofobe (I mean queer by other than straight)
B. He’s full of crap.
C. He’s Jealous that I’m (was) pursuing her or her liking me.
D. He’s trying to figure out if I might actually be Bi or Gay.
I don’t know. This shit is Bananas.
And this pretty much sums it up to now. Jane is kind of blowing me off… and Jack is still Jack. I don’t think Jane digs me anyway. Whether it’s what I said or the fact that she simply just isn’t into me I don’t know. Or maybe I’m completely wrong again. It’s weird because I could care less that she’s Bi, id still take her up in a second, she has a gorgeous body, face, and personality.
Anyway this whole thing and these two people will probably fade away from my life completely in the next few months for various reasons, so while I might bring some stuff up from these events, that’s it for their story.
If you like this kind of thing or have anything to say… PLEASE COMMENT, say anything… ill even accept the lame/retarded type of comments like “cool”, “first” and “lol”. Hell if you read this far you better have something to say… punks.
-1nc
No comments:
Post a Comment